Hi, and welcome to the crazy! A place for a crazy single mum to type what is on her mind.. Please keep your arms & legs inside the carriage at all times, and hang the f*ck on!

18 February, 2011

Late at night...

I wish I could go back in time and take back every little brag I ever made about my little monster sleeping all night! Karma is most definitely paying me a visit of late, with my son waking up SCREAMING at the stupidest of hours... Taking forever to settle... Then starting all over again when I leave the room! It's all so very trying... Don't get me wrong, love him to bits... Just wish his cry didn't send me into a fit of rage in my grumpy half asleep state.

Some say it's the PND... That I was stupid for going cold turkey off the anti-depressants... Meh, I dislike feeling like drugs are ruling my life! People got by without them many years ago, why should now be any different!? Just because they're around, doesn't mean they should be abused and taken at the first sign of life getting tough. But at the same time.... Deep down I know that I need them... I think that's the worst part. DENIAL. Such a bitch of a thing. Ughhhh.
Others say it's the fact I feel so useless. I admire mothers that can stay home for YEARS raising their children, keeping house, playing wife... Really, I do. I would love to feel like I can do that! But I'm just not that person. I'm independent. I need to feel needed. Like I'm making a difference in this world... Gah, now I feel like a bad mum! I love raising my froggeh! I really do hope he turns out to be a seriously awesome little man! I just hope I can manage to turn myself into a seriously awesome woman as well!

Gah, now I feel like a bad mum! I'm not a bad person. I put my son before EVERYONE. Everything I've done in the last 2 years has been for him. Except for the move to Perth. That was for both of us. He'll enjoy the laidback lifestyle, I'll enjoy the fresh start! (hopefully!)
At least I get to do a lot of thinking at 2am.... Ponder what my life will be like in 5 years time... 10 years... 15... What froggeh will be like as an adolescent... adult... old man... LOL. Then I can never get to sleep. Such a vicious cycle!
Then I go back to trying to get a job.. And cleaning.. FML, I'm so over cleaning!!!! Especially when 10 minutes later, the little turd is pulling it all out of the bin anyway!! >.<

Ooooh, this ones a little deep hey!? I'm not a bad person! I'm just frustrated, confused, and experiencing a quarter life crisis! I'll sort myself out one day. Preferably before it's too late.
Peace out kidlets! x

1 comment:

  1. I did the same thing.
    I hated the feeling that I needed a tiny tablet to give me motivation. I mean, I should WANT to get up and run around with my kids, I shouldn't need a tablet to help me do that. They made me feel good, but the guilt of needing the medication made me stop. I am now regretting it because some days I physically struggle and just can't do it some days.
    You are not a bad mother, and lack of sleep drives anyone around the bend. Just because you are tired and grouchy, does not make anyone think you are a bad Mum.
    You are an amazing woman doing a difficult job. You don't need to tell anyone you love your little Froggy because we can see it. You are doing an awesome job with raising him.
    Don't delete this post. Keep it as a reminder that sometimes shit gets tough, but you'll get through it in one piece and so will your Froggy.